wierd feelings..
These days, i do not know if i'm in the right mood or being myself lately.. I really felt like i am in a unknown world or something. Something that i can't describe in words. Maybe i am over-thinking about stuff and perhaps think too far away. It sounds a bit lame - A stream of loneliness is coming in my body. I don't really know why. Perhaps i don't have someone for me to say out my heart currently. None in mind for now. Really none.
"To find a friend is easy. But to find a true and everlasting friend is difficult."
I don't really figure what kind of things is bothering me these days. I felt i just need a person to talk my heart out. A person that just listen to me, understand me and just chat with me. Family members as a choice - Rejected. I have a complicated family, to simply say, my family is just my family. To open my heart and tell my family? Nah, not suitable. They just don't understand me. My brother, my sister, my mum and my dad. I am the smallest, the one who get the most care and the most bias one. Perhaps is some huge age gap i have with my mum and my dad. I did tried opening up my heart to them but they closed it themselves. As in whenever i say anything related closely to myself, they will comment on it till i can't go on. I don't really how to describe it in words, really. It's just some repulsion force that prevents me from telling them anything related closely to myself. Like 2 like poles are faced to each other, they repel themselves from each other but they still remained in a short distance closed together. That wil describe how i felt towards my family. They are just my family members, caring, warming and whatever you can feel in a house i have it. But saying personal stuff simply ' how i feel today' is wrong in my family.
Perhaps for good stuff like I succeeded in something, i will even consider if i want to tell them or not. When i get a C+ for my assignments IF i tell them about it. Their first impression about C+ is very bad. They will maybe comment it why or saying i have been playing too much computer games or not focusing or maybe saying im slacking. It have been the same thing since young. The repulsion just kept increasing and increasing till i'm numbed about it - Why don't i just don;t talk about it. It will save some saliva of them, and save some ear piercing time.
Serious Depression?
Nah~ Truely speaking, during the most stressful moments in my life - O levels, i really thought of just jumping down the window. Not joking. I am really stressed, i felt like a million kilograms of burden just smacked down on my shoulders to do well in o levels. The stress is so great that everytime i glazed out the window and looked at the sky and far sight trees. I just felt a gush of feelings to just jump down and end everything in a thud and thats it. I have to walk that path no matter what. It is just part and parcel of life.
Life is like that..
No matter how many times this is repeated, Life is like that. Life is filled with all sorts of uneven and mixed feelings and a lot more. Sometimes you will say LIFE SUCKS or LIFE IS UNFAIR or LIFE FEELS GOOD. Whatever, heck about what kind of life. i just know, my life now is never been happy before as i can't find or create one in it maybe it is not the time yet. Not yet...
I just know in the current me, i need to get as much improvements as possible. I'm still TOO far from the goal. The goal is simply just can't be reached now. Competition is really tense, Challenges is appearing everytime. I just can't rest.
currently, for my life is Uninteresting. Its full of thorns ahead and i have to cross it. I feel really really tired. I did want to stop everything and just rest. but... i can't , i just can't. The things i want to do in my life is simply too much. Too much for me to rest. i want to do this , i want to do that. perhaps i cant figure how much years i will spend on learning and trying and experiencing.
I don't really know why am i feeling this way. This is not me man!! what the heck...
Heck it.
"To find a friend is easy. But to find a true and everlasting friend is difficult."
I don't really figure what kind of things is bothering me these days. I felt i just need a person to talk my heart out. A person that just listen to me, understand me and just chat with me. Family members as a choice - Rejected. I have a complicated family, to simply say, my family is just my family. To open my heart and tell my family? Nah, not suitable. They just don't understand me. My brother, my sister, my mum and my dad. I am the smallest, the one who get the most care and the most bias one. Perhaps is some huge age gap i have with my mum and my dad. I did tried opening up my heart to them but they closed it themselves. As in whenever i say anything related closely to myself, they will comment on it till i can't go on. I don't really how to describe it in words, really. It's just some repulsion force that prevents me from telling them anything related closely to myself. Like 2 like poles are faced to each other, they repel themselves from each other but they still remained in a short distance closed together. That wil describe how i felt towards my family. They are just my family members, caring, warming and whatever you can feel in a house i have it. But saying personal stuff simply ' how i feel today' is wrong in my family.
Perhaps for good stuff like I succeeded in something, i will even consider if i want to tell them or not. When i get a C+ for my assignments IF i tell them about it. Their first impression about C+ is very bad. They will maybe comment it why or saying i have been playing too much computer games or not focusing or maybe saying im slacking. It have been the same thing since young. The repulsion just kept increasing and increasing till i'm numbed about it - Why don't i just don;t talk about it. It will save some saliva of them, and save some ear piercing time.
Serious Depression?
Nah~ Truely speaking, during the most stressful moments in my life - O levels, i really thought of just jumping down the window. Not joking. I am really stressed, i felt like a million kilograms of burden just smacked down on my shoulders to do well in o levels. The stress is so great that everytime i glazed out the window and looked at the sky and far sight trees. I just felt a gush of feelings to just jump down and end everything in a thud and thats it. I have to walk that path no matter what. It is just part and parcel of life.
Life is like that..
No matter how many times this is repeated, Life is like that. Life is filled with all sorts of uneven and mixed feelings and a lot more. Sometimes you will say LIFE SUCKS or LIFE IS UNFAIR or LIFE FEELS GOOD. Whatever, heck about what kind of life. i just know, my life now is never been happy before as i can't find or create one in it maybe it is not the time yet. Not yet...
I just know in the current me, i need to get as much improvements as possible. I'm still TOO far from the goal. The goal is simply just can't be reached now. Competition is really tense, Challenges is appearing everytime. I just can't rest.
currently, for my life is Uninteresting. Its full of thorns ahead and i have to cross it. I feel really really tired. I did want to stop everything and just rest. but... i can't , i just can't. The things i want to do in my life is simply too much. Too much for me to rest. i want to do this , i want to do that. perhaps i cant figure how much years i will spend on learning and trying and experiencing.
I don't really know why am i feeling this way. This is not me man!! what the heck...
Heck it.
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